THE RIGHT TIME TO DATE - FOR SURE!

Life unfolds in a series of seasons. It’s always a joy to experience the right thing at the right time, whereas is a misery to experience the wrong thing at the right time or the right thing at the wrong time. I remember how I felt like I was being delayed in life when as a lower primary student I envied my seniors in secondary school each time I saw them with their t-square and drawing boards. I admired them so much I wished I would suddenly grow exponentially within minutes so I could experience what I thought I was missing. Interestingly, when I finally 'qualified' to use those tools after I entered secondary school, I thought to myself, “So is this it?” In addition to that, I discovered that it was good I was not exposed to those tools while in lower primary because there was no way I would have easily grasped the concepts I was being taught, especially because even as matured as I was then, understanding wasn’t that easy. Is there a right time to date? Yes! How do I know? Check out the following scripture:

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to love…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 8) [emphasis mine]

The word everything as used in the scripture above means everything except nothing. It actually means that singleness is a temporary season and that season will surely pass – soon. That season automatically requires that you wait for another season- the season of dating or better still, courtship – before you go ahead to do anything. Whether you like it or not, whether you believe it or not, whether you are aware or not, you will surely do some waiting because there is a “right” time to date. No wonder on three occasions in the book of Songs of Solomon we read of this classic advice given to the young ladies of that time:

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe – and you’re ready – MESSAGE VERSION (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4)

I can almost imagine the tone and pitch in the voice giving this warning to the young ladies. It reminds me of the many times my dad kept warning my four sisters to be careful of the kind of males they befriended. He kept threatening to make them live on their own should they get pregnant before marriage. Each time he said that he had a certain facial expression that perfectly matched his voice and the effect that had on even me, a guy, was not ambiguous at all. The message was clear. Although I thought my dad went overboard sometimes, there was a part of me that knew that he was doing the right thing, even when his approach was sometimes wrong in my opinion. Timing is so important that a simple decision of wrong timing can affect lives in unimaginable ways. I remember in 2014 while on the mission field in Uganda, my colleague missionaries who had been sent to South Africa missed their flight because of wrong timing. Although this mistake was mainly the fault of the team leader, all the missionaries – 7 in number – were affected. Not only them, but all the other missionaries who were in other countries were also affected – worried and wondering how the others would return home. Even more, parents, friends and loved ones kept calling the office to find out what was happening. The only way out was to raise money to purchase new tickets for each of them, and that meant people giving out of their budgets. Well, these are just a few of the observable effects of the one decision, which was a timing problem. In the same way, although dating is great, dating at the wrong time can be very catastrophic, affecting many more lives than the people involved in the decision. Consider how many children have been born out of wedlock, how many people were forced to marry because the ladies in question got pregnant, how many people are divorced because they rushed into the relationship, how many children are fatherless among others simply because of one decision – dating at the wrong time.

In the same way, although dating is great, dating at the wrong time can be very catastrophic, affecting many more lives than the people involved in the decision.

At this point, I know that you are asking the obvious question, “so when is the right time to date?” My response: The right time to date is there is no right “time” to date. The right time to date is when you are ready for marriage. Although different people have different opinions on the ideal duration for dating, my mentor, Pastor KK Baidoo – who has been married for about 11 years now and has been speaking and counseling people on this subject for many years now – opines that you are ready for marriage when you see marriage between two to three years ahead of you. Of course, this is the ideal situation because some circumstances may require that you date for longer than three years or lesser than two years. However, those are exceptions. You can also look at it this way; asking, “when is the right time to date?” is like asking, “when is the right time to eat?” Is it 4.00am? Or 9.00am? Why not 6.00pm? How about 10.00pm? You notice that there is no right time – clock time – to eat, although there are “unhealthy” times to eat. For example, although eating rice, sauce and meat at 11:00pm just before you sleep is not “wrong” necessarily, it is not healthy. It has the potential to have some negative effects on you, although it can’t – in itself – kill you. So it makes sense to reason that although there is no right time to eat, there are safe times to eat certain kinds of food. And that’s exactly what I believe Pastor KK is talking about. Moreover, as a general principle, the right time to eat is when you are hungry and when there is available food. In order words, the fact that you are hungry does not mean that you will be filled automatically. Without available food, you will remain hungry until you get access to food. On the other hand the fact that there is food does not mean you must necessarily eat. If you do, two things are likely to happen. First, you may waste the food since you are not hungry. Secondly, you may have little or no food to eat when you are hungry.

The right time to date is there is no right “time” to date. The right time to date is when you are ready for marriage.

Connecting it to dating, the right time to date is when you are ready for marriage (just like when you feel hungry for food), and when there is someone available (just like when there is available food). It is important to state clearly at this point that feeling hungry is not the same as feeling like eating. You may sometimes feel like eating although you may not be hungry. Therefore in determining to know your readiness, be careful not to confuse being ready for marriage with feeling like dating. In differentiating I recommend that you use the following checks to confirm whether you are ready to pursue a marriage-driven romantic relationship or whether the timing is right for you (just like your hunger pangs confirms to you that you are really hungry and not just craving for food):

1· God’s Approval: Although the bible doesn’t give clear cut points about the signs of your readiness for marriage, it does give us some clear directions. Before Genesis 2:18, where God thought about making Eve, Adam had clearly discovered two things: God and purpose. He had a relationship with God, and He had a purpose for living.

The Lord God placed the man (relationship) in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it (purpose) (Genesis 2:15-NLT) [emphasis mine]

The first sign to show that you are ready for marriage is that you’ll have a growing relationship with God and be clear (at least on a general level) of God’s purpose for your life, or better still your vision for life. Notice how God described the woman:

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him (Genesis 2:18-NLT) [emphasis mine]

He described the woman as a helper – suitable; one who is just right – for Adam. I have heard many people explain this scripture to confirm the fact that the man must have a vision for which the woman is to assist. And rightly so! But even more than that, it also means that the woman must have also discovered God’s purpose for her life, and that vision must be congruent with the man’s vision. That is when the woman can be a helper, who is just right for the man. If not, although she will help, it will take so much effort on both sides because there is di-vision. No wonder the divorce rates keep increasing. We have many women who are helping men but are not suitable helpers.

The other sign of God’s approval is found in Ephesians 5:22, 25, which reads:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loves the church…(NIV)

I believe also that God approves of men and women of character; a man who is loving and a woman who is submissive. This does not mean that a man must completely be an embodiment of all that love is as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Neither does it mean that a woman must be completely submissive to all and sundry. That is impossible because we are all work in progress, and that work continues even in marriage. However, it sure means that it is important for a man in Christ to be pursuing love and all that it represents. For example, if a man is selfish and does not make any effort to grow that part of his character, he will cause many problems in marriage because love is not self-seeking, and a husband MUST love his wife – as Christ loves the church. Since you will go into marriage with who you are as a single (in terms of character), you cannot be a loving husband simply because you got married, if you are not already a loving single man. And it’s the same for a woman. If you are a lady and you are not submissive to your parents, brothers and especially the male figures in your life, submitting to your husband in marriage will be extremely difficult and that can cause many marital problems.

If what you are reading now is a description of you, I encourage you to grow your character no matter your age as a preparation for marriage. Always remember that how you treat others as a single is a rehearsal for how you will treat your spouse in marriage. Just like a church choir reveals to the congregation what they had been rehearsing in private, so will you “reveal” to your spouse what kind of “rehearsal” you had been doing all this while.

In conclusion, until you have a relationship with God, discovered God’s purpose for your life, and growing in character, you are not approved by God as one who is ready for marriage no matter how you feel about someone. Always remember that it’s better to stay unmarried and wished you were married than to marry and wished you were not.

You cannot be a loving husband simply because you got married, if you are not already a loving single man

2· Accountability Partners’ Approval: Although meeting the criteria for God’s approval is necessary, it is not enough especially because you are the one likely to confirm God’s approval if you are to use the criteria above. It’s important to look beyond that because Proverbs 16:3 says that:

All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD

That is why it is also a very important thing to involve your accountability partners as you test your readiness and whether the timing is right for you. Even if you have found someone that you want to marry, ask yourself the following questions: “What are my parents, mentors, pastors, close friends saying about me, the person, both of us? What are they saying about the timing?” I always advice that until your accountability partners at the various levels approve, don’t go ahead to start a relationship no matter your certainty about the person and the timing. See what the bible has to say about counsel:

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed (Proverbs 15:22) NIV

Before I proposed to the lady I am currently dating, I made sure I received approval from my mentors and my inner circle (accountability partners), although I was convinced that God was leading me to take that step.

3· Your own Approval: This is equally important a sign of your readiness that you must not take for granted. The third question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I interested in this person?” especially when the person has shown some form of interest or when the person is being recommended to you by friends and loved ones. Please note that you are not compelled to marry anyone no matter who the person is and what others think or say. You must be personally willing to make it work because in the end you are the one going to live with this person. Concerning choice, Paul couldn’t have been any clearer when in talking about widows said in 1 Corinthians 7:39b that:

She is free to marry anyone she wishes…

It is also at this level of approval that you ask yourself whether you are ready to get married between two and three years’ time according to Pastor KK as I earlier indicated.

4· The other person’s Approval: Perhaps all the above are all pointing in a positive direction, yet the person is not interested in you. You need to genuinely ask yourself, “Is the person interested in me? Will this person want to spend the rest of his/her life with me?” Of course this is gender based. As a lady, never assume that a guy is interested in you unless he proposes. And for a guy, you can only be sure after you have proposed. However don’t waste your time proposing to a lady who has said in word and/or action that she is not interested in you. Remember always that love is a choice and for a choice that will last a lifetime as marriage, the other party must be willing.

Please make sure that all four levels of approval are in the affirmative before you propose or accept any proposal.

I know of a gentleman who seemed to have passed all these approval tests. When he finally proposed to the lady, however, she admitted to him that she doesn’t feel ready for a romantic relationship not just with him but with anyone else. She said she had decided to wait another one year to clarify issues relating to purpose and her life path. The lady's response did not make the young man move to the next available person. Instead, he chose to wait since she was the person he felt convicted to pursue. And I believe he did the right thing.

As a lady, never assume that a guy is interested in you unless he proposes.

In conclusion, there is no right [clock] time to date. The right time to date is when you are ready for marriage, that is, when God, your accountability partners, you and the other person approves of the decision regarding both the person and the timing.