THE PASSION OF A CRUSH

In his book, “Love At First Sight”, pastor KK Baidoo defines a crush as a "strong sudden feeling of an emotional connection with someone usually of the opposite sex". It could happen on the first time you meet the person or after a while of knowing the person. It’s always a good feeling when you realize you are attracted to someone of the opposite sex. No doubt about that. I remember an experience I had in 2006 when I first entered Senior High School. It happened after school on my first day at school when I went to the school’s reservoir to fetch water. Just when I got there and joined the queue the lady whose turn it was had just began pulling her bucket out of the reservoir. As she turned to pour the water into her bucket, our eyes met and oh my! I just knew I wasn’t the same again. Although I haven’t been to heaven before, I know for sure that it felt like heaven. It was the best feeling ever as I was overwhelmed by her beauty. It was so serious, I kept gazing at her unwittingly (seemed like reflex) until a friend alerted me to move forward because the queue was moving. And I have had many of such experiences at different times of my life. Whether or not you have a crush now, it’s important that you understand its nature. Here are four things you need to know about crushes:

1. Crushes are normal. I have realized that there are two extremes you must avoid when you crush on someone. The first is when you think you are abnormal because of the unusual feeling you are having. And the second is when you think you or the person you are crushing on is too special. The fact is that, crushes are very normal. Just as you eat food to grow physically, so do you need crushes to grow emotionally. The next time you crush on someone, smile at yourself knowing that it confirms that you are very normal. On the other hand, don’t let that feeling push you to do things that may bring regrets later.

Just as you eat food to grow physically, so do you need crushes to grow emotionally.

2. Crushes are not automatic. Think about all the people you have crushed on. Is there a time when you crushed on someone you didn’t know or had never heard about before? Certainly not. In other words, there must be some kind of connection with the person before you can ever crush on that person. Let me take you through the four Ps of a crush that makes it a response to stimuli and not just something that happens automatically. The four Ps was borrowed from the four components of marketing, popularly known as the 4 Ps of marketing mix, which gained popularity following an article titled, “The concept of the marketing mix” by Neil Borden published in 1964. They are:

• Promotion: Promotion-triggered crush is when you exaggerate an exciting feature possessed by someone mainly because you do not possess that feature. Claude is in the same class with Jane, and he is the class prefect. There’s no doubt that he is very bold and it manifests in many ways, one of which is his ability to ask questions in class, which the others find quite difficult to do. Jane is too excited about Claude as a result and this excitement is largely due to Claude’s boldness. In her mind, Claude is the boldest one can ever be especially because she is very introverted. When this happens, we can conclude that Jane has a crush on Claude triggered by promotion.

• Price: Also known as celebrity crush, the trigger is as a result of the person’s status and consequently reputation. Philip is tall, intelligent, handsome and o! he is part of the best basketball team in his school. Recently he represented his school at a national science and maths quiz and he won. During the quiz, many ladies were impressed about him including Rebecca. In wanting more details about him, Rebecca asked Janice, who is in the same school with Phillip. Janice then revealed the other seemingly unique parts of Phillip’s life as described earlier. She also added that he was very popular at school and that many girls were crushing on him. This new information about Philip’s qualities, however, stirred Rebecca up even more and she couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Phillip, to the extent that she started daydreaming about him. One day during break time Phillip came up in a discussion among Rebecca and her friends, only for Rebecca to realize that four other ladies had been experiencing the same thing she’d been experiencing. When this happens we can conclude that the crush is triggered by price.

• Place: This is when you suddenly develop some attraction for someone you’ve known for some time but hitherto had no interest in whatsoever. However, the attraction is stirred up by the fact that you interact often with the person within a common environment, either physical (school, church etc) or virtual (especially social media). I became friends with a certain lady when I was in my first year in the university. My first visit to her was so good I met her four other roommates. By my third visit, I was comfortable with each of them. By the end of that semester, I seemed to have gotten closer to one of her roommates. Although we built good friendship, it was strictly platonic and I wasn’t attracted to her in anyway. But by the end of first year, I realized “my heart was going” and by the end of the long vacation I knew that it was “gone”; I had "fallen in love". I later realized that although she wasn’t attractive to me in the beginning of our relationship, I gradually crushed on her because of our consistent interactions. This is a perfect example of a place triggered crush.

• Product: Someone once said that there are two ways by which beauty can be described. They are "unanimous beauty" and "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". Irrespective of what it is at least you know beauty when you see one. And that’s what this trigger is all about. Here you crush because of the other person’s appearance, character or personality. Another kind of a product-triggered crush is when the attraction is as a result of the other person’s vision, ideas, plans or goals. What usually happens is that the person crushing can get so excited about the expected future of the other person, he/she would want to be a part of that future. And that can be the needed spark for the crush.

3. Crushes are ephemeral: No crush can last for a lifetime. Even if you end up marrying your crush, you’ll not always have that feeling throughout your marriage. Dr Garry Chapman - a relationship and family counselor – in his book, The five love languages, said that research has proven that the longest it (the crush, which he calls tingles) can last in marriage is two years. He wrote,

“Unfortunately, the eternality of the “in love” experience is fiction, not fact. Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, has done long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. We recognize that some of his/her personality traits are actually irritating. Her behavior patterns are annoying. He has the capacity for hurt and anger, perhaps even harsh words and critical judgments. Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains. We remember Mother’s words and ask ourselves, How could I have been so foolish?”

Don’t look too far to believe this truth. Let me ask you two questions. Have you had only one crush since you were born? Is the person you are crushing on the same person you were crushing on two years ago? If your answer to one or both questions is NO, then you just confirmed my point.

No crush can last for a lifetime.

4. Crushes can be managed well: One young lady once told me, "Brother Alex, what I feel is more than a crush. It is love". And she kept on saying it no matter how many times I tried to explain to her that it was just a crush. Eventually, I had to let her go and prayed for her hoping that she would see the wisdom in the counsel I gave her. About three weeks later, this same lady, when I asked about her feeling for the guy quickly responded, Oh that? It has died a long time ago. It’s interesting how a few days or weeks can be a long time ago. But that’s actually what happens when you seek knowledge and not decide based on the desire alone. It’s completely abnormal to either think that your crush is too special or it cannot be managed well. I must state here emphatically that crushes are generally managed in two ways; either with a lustful attitude or with a loving attitude. You can check my other article - CRUSH MANAGEMENT ATTITUDE; LOVE OR LUST? https://sayinspires.wixsite.com/website/post/crush-management-attitude-love-or-lust - to read more about it. Subscribe and watch out for more!