CRUSH MANAGEMENT ATTITUDE; LOVE OR LUST?

I work as a chaplain at King David Academy, an International secondary school in Kanombe, Rwanda. Recently, I was the main guest at our first ever Teen Talk Show, a monthly talk show at school where teen related questions are answered on a particular subject. The subject under discussion was Love and Sex. Two weeks later, one of the students in senior 5 (or grade 11) came to my office and told me how my biblically-practical answers to the questions asked during the show really blessed him. He went on to tell me how difficult it is for him to manage his crushes. Even at that point, he was crushing on a lady in senior 6 (or grade 12). I then helped him to understand how crushes work and how he could manage the crush well. Thankfully, a crush is not a 21st century revolution. It started right in Genesis 2:23 after God presented Eve to Adam. Let’s take a look at Adam’s reaction:

“At last! the man exclaimed. “This is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh!...”

(New Living Translation)

I am pretty sure Adam felt exactly how I felt when I first crushed on my fiancée. And I guess you can relate too right? Well, crushes are generally managed with two attitudes; a lustful attitude or a lovely attitude. It can never be neutrally managed.

In 2 Samuel 13:1-19, we see how Amnon, after he had a crush on Tamar, foolishly followed his lust which eventually caused him to rape Tamar. When a crush is managed with a lustful attitude, it has the following characteristics as seen of Amnon:

• Selfish in nature (vs 11-14). No matter how much Tamar pleaded, Amnon did not listen to her. He was only interested in satisfying his own desires.

• Do not seek counsel or seek counsel from wrong sources (vs 3-5): The bible described Jonadab as a crafty friend, and Amnon definitely knew that. Yet, he went to seek counsel from him. Seeking counsel - from the right sources - is a sign of humility, and humility makes loving others easy.

• Pretense (vs 6): In order to satisfy his lust, Amnon pretended to be sick, just as Jonadab had advised.

• Loves secrecy and privacy (vs 9): Amnon did this by intentionally creating an “alone” environment so he could be with Tamar alone. Why would you wish to be in an environment alone with someone you are crushing on if you don't have an evil intention?

• Demanding and aggressive (vs 11): Because he was physically stronger than her, Amnon took advantage of Tamar’s vulnerability and pushed toward his goal of satisfying his lust.

• Impatience (vs 14): Even, after Tamar advised him to do things the right way if he wanted to marry her, Amnon did not listen because lust doesn’t just desire, it wants the desire satisfied NOW!!!

• Sexually immoral in thoughts, words and actions (vs 14): Amnon eventually raped Tamar.

If all or most of these attitudes describe how you are managing your current crush, or how you usually manage your crushes, then know that your are managing your crush with a lustful attitude. Repent, because it certainly will leave you with some scars – spiritually, emotionally, physically and/or mentally.

On the other hand, in Genesis 29:15-30, after Jacob had a crush on Rachel, he decided to fulfill all righteousness and married Rachel, although it took him 14 years. When a crush is managed with a loving attitude – which is how we are called to live as Christians (Rom 13:8, Matt 22:39) – it has the following characteristics as seen of Jacob:

• Selflessness. As seen in verse 18, unlike Amnon, Jacob’s selflessness made him tell Laban about his feelings for his daughter instead of telling Rachel personally. It’s not wise- and safe – to tell your crush about the crush. Why? Because it is manipulative.

• Seek counsel…and from the right sources. The same verse reveals this. There certainly were many others Jacob could have spoken to, but he chose to speak to Laban instead. And which loving father, after a man informs him about his desire for his daughter, will allow the man to have his daughter without performing the necessary rites? Certainly not you, right?

• Sacrifice. From verse 20 we see how Jacob worked for seven years just to rightfully have Rachel as his wife. Although difficult – and yet very possible, how about choosing not to let your feelings alone lead you, especially when you know that it will not lovingly serve the other person well?

• Patience. From verse 28, Jacob’s decision to work for another seven years just to marry Rachel reveals his patience, which is an expression of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4. Can you decide to test the crush with time? (Read more about how to lovingly manage a crush in my article, KILL THAT CRUSH)

• Godly in thought, word and action. Certainly Jacob must have gone through many times of temptations in his thoughts but his decision to not indulge until he had done the right things (verse 28) reveals him as a godly man. Won’t it be wonderful if you spent more time speaking to God about the crush rather than speaking to the person?

Does these attitudes reflect you? If yes, congratulations! God will surely grant you grace to do the right thing right just as James 4:6 says as seen below:

“…God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (New King James Version)

If no, make a decision today. Do the right thing the right way by choosing to lovingly manage all your crushes. When you do that, not only is God pleased; you serve the other person and you experience God’s peace as well. As I conclude, I will leave you with this scripture in Proverbs 21:3:

“The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just than when we offer him sacrifices” (New Living Translation) [emphasis mine]